but you are

A couple of Poems

....:::: BUT YOU ARE ::::....
I am the lock, but you are the key
I am the cup, but you are the nectar
I am the rain, but you are the rainbow
I am the journey, but you are the destination
I am the lost, but you are the found
I am the flower, but you are the fragrance
I am the lover, but you are the love
I am the day, but you are the sun
I am the sail, but you are the wind
I am the singer, but you are the song
I am the feeler, but you are the feeling
I am the thirst, but you are the water
I am the night, but you are the moon
I am ignorance, but you are the knowledge
I am weak, but you are the strength
I am blind, but you are the sight
I am cloud, but you are the rain
I am the paper, but you are the pen
I am the dreamer, but you are the dream
I am the poet, but you are the poem

YOU & I
You Show, I see
You speak, I hear
You sing, I dance
You smile, I laugh
You know, I learn
You care, I thrive
You Walk, I follow
You givem, I receive
You trust, I acknowledge
You love, I live
You fly, I try
You listen, I cry
You embrace, I submit
You inspire, I evolve
You transmit, I tranform
You encourage, I dare
You are, I adore
You will, I know
You exist, I rejoice

Anjaani Rahon Mein Tu Kyaaa.....

Just mesmerizes me when I listen to this one by Lucky Ali...

he is the best.....
this song is probably the one which has the most play count on my IPOD... ... i just don't get enough of it ...

every time i listen ,it pure magic...
ecstasy....bliss...freedom... whatever you want to call it....

brings me more close to life... lets me forget the world around....

Anjaani raahon mein tu kya dhoondta phire
Door jisko samjha woh to paas hai tere
Saans mein hawaa, jaan mein zameen
Dil mein khula aasmaan
Pyaar hai khuda, pyaar hai khushi
Pyaar se hai dono jahaan
Tera yeh aashiyana, mera bhi aashiyana

To anjaani raahon mein tu kya dhoondta phire
Door jisko samjha woh to paas hai tere
Ghoomta raha door tu kahin, udte baadalon ki tarah
Kahin se tujhe aayi hai sadaa, laut ke aa ab zara
Tera yeh aashiyana, mera bhi aashiyana

Woh jhilmilati aankhen, bholi si adaa
Woh dheere dheere chalke lahrati hawaaein
Hum ko le jaaye wahan
Jahan ho ghar apna
Meri yaadon mein paaya hai
Aaj to milne ka din hai aaya, aaya

Saans mein hawaa, jaan mein zameen
Dil mein khula aasmaan
Pyaar hai khuda, pyaar hai khushi
Pyaar se hai dono jahaan
Tera yeh aashiyana, mera bhi aashiyana

To anjaani raahon mein tu kya dhoondta phire
Door jisko samjha woh to paas hai tere

LIFE

I turned 25 today or rather yesterday, oops, i m half done , am I.
always had this feeling that Ill live till 52,
may be im not supposed to be speaking of death ... or whatever.

I mean ok, forget lets change the topic.

But just think about it, its just once that you live,
its just once that you turn 1, or 2 or 25. Its just once you go to kindergarten, just once you turn 16, just once u die...
its just once that this moment comes by, it would never happen again.
I mean of course every moment is the quanta of existence.
but each of them is unique. the one that went by would never come again.

Goodness this is huge.

U know , life is like a rope. and ur holding it really lose..and its slipping by....
U are not aware when it started, of course no body ever remembers when they took their first breath, and u never know when it would end...
But well yeah may be u know that you would die, someday. Death is inevitable.
I mean that would just happen in a jiffy, one moment ur alive and the other ur dead.
it takes a lot of time for life to begin, 9 months is huge.., but the end is amazingly fast.
its like u know it, just at that last minute that the end is very close, just how u realize it when the rope is gonna end....

ok enough now may be..

lets talk about something else..

i feel every day as life passes by, u learn something...u learn the nature of things....
and at the end of it all , u realize that every is changing....
at some point of time u try really try hard .. try hard to keep things the way they are ...
but thats not its nature.... they would change.. and when that happens ... ppl cry ... sometimes they hide .. but yes they are still crying.

i was lying in my bed sometime back and was thinking about this...
i was very sleepy and had a headache...
and then started listening to some very beautiful music...
thats when i started to think about the whole life that has been..."its been 25 years" was telling to myself.. oh that souds huge... a lot of time has passed by... but it all happend moment by moment...
i was just wondering.. what are my learnings.. did i make the most of it...
did i acknowledge life ... or didnt care to reply ... when it asked "whats up ?"...

thinking about all those ppl whom uve met...things that uve done...things that u think u havent done and think that u shud have done.....things that haven't done .. just bcos u never thought about it.....
does it really matter...
and thats when i decide to write this blog...
i was wondering what is one thing that has never changed..

i always liked the quote " nothing is permanent except change"... but well there
somebody.. recently told me : "every thing changes... including the change ..yes that changes too :)"...
i mean i was like wow "yes she made a lot of sense"..

i know this is a very bad example...a perfectly synonymous example of physics..
verlocity = ds/dt .. change in distance w.r.t to time..
and accceleration = dv/td = d squared s /dt squared... change in velocity w.r.t time..
same way change is changing too... what would u call that ... yet another change.. :)

ok then coming back...
at first i was like yes.. true everything changes..
but then no i sunnly realise there is one thing that has never changed...
as far as this life is concerned...
nothing can be as faithful to you as your life, itself..the very power which is the difference
between "i am" and "i was".... as faithful as every single breath...
i mean think about... this breath has been so faithful.... it never ever forgets to come..
it never ever forgets to come by and say a 'hi'.....
u could always say... it would ultimately..
yes agreed.. but then i said "as far as life is concerned"...
it defines life...it is bcos... u are... otherwise u wouldn't even be reading this blog.. :)

the feeling of existence is beautiful..

my learnings...
... ok will come back soon..

Hmmm thats like Recursion :)

Reminds off a nice quote that one of the Indian TC Members had had...

"To iterate is human , to recurse is divine "











Recursion is one of my favorite topics in Computer Science.

Wonder who invented it and well how did the mind even think of such a beautiful concept.

Truly "To iterate is human, to recurse is divine " :)

Luka the Genius

Yes he is a topcoder("TOP"-COder), yes he is Red, Yes he is a Target, Yes you see his handle

in the home page, Yes he is a Croation !

Guess Who is he ?
Iam sure many of you already have (ofcourse), I am talking of none other than our silent killer - Luka Kalinovcic,(better known as Kalinov).
The first thing that I decided to do when I heard about this years blogging contest was to Contact Kalinov and request him for an interview, although I did have a chance to converse with him previously, but I guess I wanted to get a little personal this time.

Born in Zagreb,Croatia this dude happened to write his first computer program when he was just 13 years, and from then on its been a sweet song all the way. Kalinov is currently pursuing a Bachelors degree from the University of Zagreb in the field of Electrical Engineering and Computing.

Coming from an average family Kalinov spent most of his childhood playing various kind of sports and other fun activities. Be it soccer, hockey, judo or even playing guitar he has done it all.

School was boring and so were his subjects, (he did find math interesting though).

But well he made some great friends then - according to him "they" are most important to him in life.
But yes as a high schooler he developed an affinity towards algorithmic problems and programming - thanks to "BASIC"
He started programming as a hobby and well you all know how far he has taken it.

Here are some quickies :

Favourite Music - Keeps varying (currently some light music) Favorite Movies - Forrest Gump and La vita e bella.
Favorite Food - Sarma

Moving from high school to college wasnt really a pleasant change for him. Currently in his fourth semester he has a new found interest in riding a bike and enjoys most of his time with it. Apart from programming algorithms, he spends his time listening to some light music and spending the rest of the time with his friends.

As an advice for wannabes he says "The most important thing is that you enjoy doing that what you do. Ofcourse, you have to practice often and hard and not give up easily. Don't hesitate to ask for help. There are a lot of people willing to help you out."

He enjoys problems which involve insightful knowledge and well then a lot of code to solve it. He likes Yarins problems a lot. His favourite subjects include Computational Geometry and Number Theory.

When enquired about his approach to single SRM he says "I try to get as calm as I can, and not to be hasty when reading the problem. I usually take a quick look on my problem before submitting, and then one more look after submitting. I often challenge some solutions just because I the problem was hard for me, so I hope it was also hard for the others."

Well it was a pleasure interviewing him and there is hardly anything that you cant learn from him,

Check out one of my older blogs here (about him)
-------

There were some interesting answers to some interesting questions during the interview,

For the whole un-edited version check this out : http://www.freewebs.com/rnrathod/Questions%20&%20Answers.txt

Here is the

Visual DNA Report : http://friends.imagini.net/vdna.php?uid=692468-ff10&srv=iwebhd3

(Click on the switch view box next to the text (anonymous)

Boy oh boy that tells you a lot about his character.

Hope you enjoyed the stuff !! :)

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Past which was

Well this happens to be my first published blog this year.
Had always wanted to blog for a long time, and well here I am.
Its a consolidated one this time.

Iraq Burns - SAD-Damn
==================

So the year began with Saddam's Death, one of the worst things that happened.
His death couldn't have been more dramatic - they hanged him on the very day of Bakrid.
What were they trying to prove ?
Bush was probably thinking that we just cut the goats throat .
Not fair at all..
I hated every bit of, I was shocked when I saw the video.
That was just not the way that had to happen.

Well okay accepted that he had been a dictator all his life and had claimed many lives in his rise to power, and maaay be he deserved to be hanged. But I guess the video footage was gruesome.
I mean look at it, this was the first time in my life I saw somebody die. Goodness me.
Jesus that was really sick. That was really sad.
And may be a lot of people celebrated for some time.

But well every one probably knew what was coming. They just dint kill one, they rather announced a lot of deaths , they rather laid the pathway to terror.
You see it all there, there is not a week when I don't hear a news head line which goes this way
"Blast in Iraq - Claims 64 Lives"
Saddam - rather SAD-Damn's death was really huge.
It all goes into history.


Here is the Saddam Obituary that was on BBC
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/1099005.stm

and this was one of the most disturbing one of em all
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6257077.stm

and Check this out for the entire content of the History book
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/shared/spl/hi/middle_east/03/v3_iraq_timeline/html/default.stm

Ultimately they set Iraq on fire. Wonder if it will ever end.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Warne's Gone
-----------------


708 Wickets in Test Cricket- that was huge.

"To do it here in Melbourne ... I don't know who is writing my scripts but they're pretty good," said Warne.
"They are unbelievable feelings. My legs were shaking. The crowd were fantastic and it's a very happy day."



My all time favourite Cricketer has been writing history these days.
Shane Warne's glorious cricketing career comes to an end, as he retired from international cricket in Jan 2007.

Well those were splendid times.
If its Shane Warne, I am bound to get glued to the television.
Every delivery ensued an exclamation
"Whoa", "Awesome", "Mind Blowing", "How did he do that", "I wish I was him" :)
There was a charm , there was a magic , there was a spell bounding , thundering effect this man used to produce, every time he used to bowl.


He is rather an artist , as Da Vinci:Painting :: Shane Warne : Spinning

Check out the ball of the century here http://youtube.com/watch?v=66I1YDOKcGI
It couldn't have been more beautiful




He defines spin bowling.
Check this one out, http://youtube.com/watch?v=YDqn043XhQ8

I wish that he had played in the 2007 world cup.
I just love to watch him over and over. He was indeed a class act.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is a difference between "knowing the path" and "walking the path"

TopCoding Kalinov Style

Well I remember reading an article at TopCoder about Tomek which had a similar title.

Well this blog is about Kalinov and my appreciation for his art work.
Yeah thats what I'll call it, as its his artistic style of coding which awes me most at Topcoder.

I recently had the honor of conversing with this wonderful person called Luka Kalinovcic,
he is ranked 8th at TC and I guess his world ranking wouldn't be beyond 50 for sure.




Here is the reply :
==========================================================
Hi rajeshrathod!
Thanks for your kind words.
I wish I could give you some advice that would make you a great coder instantly, but such thing is impossible. It takes a lot of time, practice and a lot of solved problems.

So the only advice I can give you is to practice often and hard and to not give up easily.
It's also important that solving a problem is a pleasure to you. I certainly wouldn't solve so many problems if I didn't have fun solving them.

Also, don't hesitate to ask for help if you get stuck on some problem.
There are a lot of people willing to help you out.
Best of luck to you!
Luka Kalinovcic
=========================================================

What I most like about this guy, is that he makes it look very easy.
When I look at his code, it like a piece of artwork. He writes code as though some artist paints.
It looks beautiful. His is a great coding style.
You know most of the time the code reflects the way the problem is represented in the brain, and that probably says it all,
You just know it when You see it.

It reminds of my first SRM(Single Round Match) at TC. (SRM 297)
Well I had the best time for the medium problem in DIV2. The same problem was used in DIV1 as the easy one , and it so happened that Kalinov had the best time for it in DIV1.

Well here is the screen shot which says it loud :



It was a pleasure when I found that, at least theres is one problem at TC where I was close to his abilities.

Here is the code that I wrote

sort(clientArrivals.begin(),clientArrivals.end());
VI temp(clientArrivals.sz);
FOR(i,0,clientArrivals.sz)
temp[i]=clientArrivals[clientArrivals.sz-i-1];

FOR(i,0,clientArrivals.sz)
{
FOR(j,i,clientArrivals.sz)
temp[j] += serviceTime;
i += tellerCount-1;
}
int max = 0;
FOR(i, 0, clientArrivals.sz)
if(max < temp[i])
max = temp[i];
return max;

And here is the code that he wrote

sort( clientArrivals.begin(), clientArrivals.end() );
reverse( clientArrivals.begin(), clientArrivals.end() );

int ret = 0;
for( int i = 0; i < clientArrivals.size(); ++i )
ret > ?= clientArrivals[i] + (i/tellerCount+1)*serviceTime;

return ret;


You could see the difference in being a green and a red.

Well may be I sound to glorifying it a bit, but its just that there is so much that one can learn from his ways.
Be it style, be it logic - code translation, be it speed or be it accuracy.
He is excelled in almost all aspects.
It usually happens that whenever we have competed together in a match, I always happen to take a look at all of his submissions just to understand that how well I could have understood and represented the problem and as a result how fast I could have solved it.

Kalinov rocks !!

Wish to follow his advice, may be I am not really red material but I guess it would certainly help me improve my coding skills.

There certainly is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

"Moscow Massacre" : Why do ppl cry ?

Don't know if I got that title right. "Moscow Massacre" !!

Well, happened to come across this news about a fire which broke out at a Moscow based rehabilitation center and happened to see these pictures here.

Kept staring at them for some time.







Why o why do people cry ? , Ofcourse I am not supposed to be asking such a question.
U know it !!!
Every body knows it !!!

What a feeling this is to loose somebody ... just like thaaat.

How amazing isn't it,

"here he was or here she was with me yesterday", "we were sitting there ",
"he was telling me this",
"I could still feel her breath",
"this is what he used to like the most"
"that was her favorite color"
"this was his favorite dish"

The "is" becomes a "was" in just a blink.
You can't believe it, you don't want to believe it.
The heart is not willing to accept the reality.
Thats when the eyes get wet. The heart becomes cold and your face starts to twitch and you seem to be performing the most the most moving act of "crying".

Well it moved me a lot. Felt more sick when I found that it was a drug rehabilitation center and 45 women were killed. And the next day there was a fire in another place were mentally challenged kids were being treated.

You know the word "massacre" makes it sound really big, and may be a news head line which reads "2 died in a bus accident" won't find its way to the front page of a news paper.
But I feel it doesn't really matter whether there are 45 dead or 2, the pain is the same.

I Feel that the real massacre happens within, when you loose someone you love.
For all your life you are bereaved, you are bereaved of each of those beautiful moment that you spent with them.

Look at that third picture, the lady looks pretty old and ofcourse this means she lost somebody younger than her. That must have felt terrible. She would have probably seen that person grow up, and there she is trying to believe that he/she doesn't exists any more.

Looking at that first picture, I kind a felt the same pain,
Any ways that will get over soon.

May be people might say "hey you are over reacting" , come on grow up dude.
I dont really care !!!

Over the years I some how realized something about myself. I guess I discussed this with a couple of colleagues a few months back.
May be I am visually very sensitive, all I mean to say is that my brains visual senses are a lot stronger than other normal senses.
Be it solving a problem , or be it remembering somebody's face.
If a problem is explained to me visually say with some diagrams I would rather understand it better and probably even solve it faster.
Even when it comes to remembering images, say about remembering a person,
I would always remember somebody by face or rather remember faces for ever. But when it comes to names or some non-visual content , I tend to forget things as any body else.
Oh well while writing these very lines above, I realize one more thing, that this is probably the reason why I remember my dreams so well.
and its not just my visual receptiveness, I kind of also react more prominently,
Thats just one reason I wanted express my self when I saw these pictures.
I somehow tend to observe the world around me very closely, I observe people, places and things in a different way. May be I am saying it out loud, but the fact is , I never intend to, the mind just tends to do it naturally.
Well to be frank I am attracted to beautiful things and beautiful people or rather I would put it this way, that my reactions are more stronger than normal people when I see something beautiful around me. Although I wont claim it loud, but those images do get registered in my mind for long.
Be it anything a picture, a girl, a car or a cute little puppy.

No wonder I am like "WoW, what a beauty" when I look at an attractive female ? They are like a piece of art :) , the only problem is that you cant keep staring at them, no matter how much you want to, though you can go on looking at a beautiful lake or a picture for as long as you get bored,
But that isn't the case when humans are involved except when they are kids.
Anyways !!!

Would love to be a photographer someday, want to capture all those different kind of emotions people go through, capture this whole picturesque world around me.
I kind of feel it when I watch it.
Its one of the most amazing things about life.



Chaaalo then !! see you later...

? -- I wish I were a seahorse

Page nos - 72 - 73
Book - "One night at the Call Center"
Author - Chetan Bhagat

Go refer them first, rather read the whole book and even the first one "Five point some one"


Perfect is the way he describes it.

Well here are the exact words in the para that I was talking about in case you don't have access to the book.

--
And anyway, its the girl who always gets to choose. Men propose and women accept the proposal or, as in many cases reject it.

It's true. Girls go around rejecting men like it is their birth right.
They have no idea how much it hurts us. I read once (or may be saw it during one of my discovery phases) that the reason for this is that the female of the species has to bear their offspring with a lot of effort. Hence they choose their mates carefully. Meanwhile, men dance around, spend cash, make them laugh, write stupid poems, anything to win them over. The only species where courting works in reverse is the sea horse. Instead of the females, the male sea horse bears the offspring: they carry baby sea horse eggs in their pockets. Guess what ? The female sea horses are always hitting on the males, while the latter pucker their noses and get to pick the cutest female. I wish I were a sea horse. How hard can it be to carry a couple of eggs in a backpack? --

Totally agree with what he had to say here.
Would like to reiterate it :
Girls go around rejecting men like it is their birth right. They have no idea how much it hurts us.
Well may be the offspring thing that he is talking about here "that the reason for this is that the female of the species has to bear their offspring with a lot of effort" is not really true, but I guess I would still agree with it and hats off to him for the sea horse fact.

Oh and wow "Guess what ? The female sea horses are always hitting on the males, while the latter pucker their noses and get to pick the cutest female" that sounds cooooooool.
Oh please, I am not a sadist here and nor am I trying to say that nature should change its nature. Its all so damn human ain't it.

Well not many females reading this blog would really enjoy reading it, and probably such were the reasons why many of my female friends who read this book dint quite like it. Well I kind of liked it as much as I liked the first one. Most of them had to say that the first one was much better then the second one.

I guess a man shud never completely agree or go by a womens opinion about some things.
No offenses intended.
Its more of a Psychological problem you see as far as these books go.
One being that both these books are from a males perspective, and the other that the second one has a lot of such ideas(like the one that I talked about above) that females wouldn't really enjoy reading.
Okay ! I guess thats enough of male-female nonsense.
But I would surely love to see some comments from females on this blog.

So getting back to the book. I liked the whole plot and the central idea about the way call centers
extract Indian youth. He definitely had a message in it.

The first book "Five point some one" was again a great one. Its secondary title reads "What not to do at IIT" , after reading the book, I would rather say one should do these things and then you know make a comeback in the final year, something like the deads rising from the ashes. In that case you would enjoy the college life and still be there, where you were supposed to be at the end of it all. What fun it would have been to sit on top of the college roof and drink vodka while listening to Pink Floyd (we don't need no education) , while the others are busy warming their chairs studying some stupid chemical reaction of a lubricant.
I liked the central idea again here. That its the friends that we make and the times we spend with them that one most remembers, and not the stupid formula. You can always access those formulas from a wikipedia page but not the time that you spent with your friend. Somebody who understood all your feelings even while you dint make any sense of it. Somebody who stood by you in all your endeavors good or bad.

Both were nice reads.
I guess this would be the point in my life when I would tend to pickup a novel by an Indian author before a one by a foreign author given a choice.

>> God damnit !!! Whats this happening to me <<

From Wikipedia
Recursion, in mathematics and computer science, is a method of defining functions in which the function being defined may be used within its own definition. The term is also used more generally to describe a process of repeating objects in a self-similar way. When two mirrors are pointed towards each other, the repeating images that occur are a form of recursion.

For example, the following is a recursive definition of person's ancestors:

• One's parents are one's ancestors (base case);
• The parents of any ancestor are also ancestors of the person under consideration (recursion step).

Wednesday ,6th December 2006,
I come back from work, at about 8.00 PM, talk to two of my friends in the hall watching tv,
tell them about something and head straight to my room.
Put on my ear phones and start playing some first person shooter war game.

Some time passes by and somebody suddenly peaks in to my room and I realize that the third friend who lives with me. He gives me a weird stare and leaves, I get out to him and ask him "What happened?" He is like "dude I have been banging the door from a long time whats wrong" and I am like, "well I dint hear it mate I was wearing this ear phone and I thought that other guys were here. Where are they by the way ?" , I dont get an answer to my quesiton, and after some time I find myself in the office discussing some serious issue somewhere with the logic of a program. and I am trying to explain to them that "why don't we use "Recursion" to solve it , it wud be much more efficient and fool proof"

Suddenly I am shouting.

The cry finally ends and I find myself sitting in the garden next to my house. I am talking to my grand daughter "kiran" explaining her how beautiful the moon is. Its the year 2027 and well I have lost 21 years of my life. What am I doing here and how come? where are these 21 years of my life.
I realize, I have been loosing time, the same way a person suffering from multiple personality disorder suffers of time loss. I then think about it for some time, while I am still talking to my grand daughter about the moon. I say "ok now, go and play", and while she is walking back to her friends, some thing strikes me, I had once read in a book that a person suffering from MPD doesnt loose time for more than a year,

in which case it would mean that the original personality is dead and this second or the nth personality which is the strongest of all has taken over and continues to remain forever

I am asking myself , "Who am I ?"
Whats my name and by the way, what was I originally like. Who am I married to, who is this kid that I was talking to sometime back. Was she really my grand daughter.

By this time I have completed n calls in a recursion.

I am hearing something !!!
which goes this way "ttteet ttteeet"

or rather it could be
Typically a person looses more than one year of time in MPD cases when he is undergoing treatment,

whoa
The good news is that I have now been completely cured, the bad news is that it took me 21 years to regain my original personality,

God damnit whats this happening to me.
"ttteet ttteeet" is becoming more wild.
Now its even more louder and repeating "ttteet ttteeet ttteet ttteeet" ,"ttteet ttteeet ttteet ttteeet"

"Stop that shiiiiit".

I open my eyes in disgust,
here I am back,
watching the wall clock reading 7.11 AM and hearing the nokia's alarm trying to wake me up.
I'am stretching my hand out desperately to snooze it for a while.

Its 7th December 2006, I am back,
Was it a dream, yeah of course it was.
The mind is tired by now. I am feeling sick to the core.
The mind is just not willing to let it all go. I am still sitting there in the garden, the alarm snooze has timed out and the nokia piece of shit is relentless,

Something from within says me "wake up , ur getting late".
By now I am rushing for work.

days begins its weird journey again .

What a dream this was, aggghhhh..
Sickest.

and weirdest of all is that I remember every damn thing that happened , or is it that I missed out a portion of it, may be I missed out those 21 years of my life.

I am sure for now, that yes I did loose rather, I forgot that part my dream which had the 21 years of my life that I seemed to have lost thinking in my dreams that I was suffering from MPD.
You know why am I so confident, cos I had a second dream which I remembered when I was travelling to office that day,
and what I remember from the dream was that "I was being considered dead while I was still alive , was being cremated alive, u know thats the reason why "I was shouting" , remember the cry
Now I get the connection as to why I was moaning, it was cos of the burning sensation.

Any ways the weirdest part is this :
The "burning alive" dream was in between that part of the first dream before I was shouting and the part when I was with my grand child.

A dream in between a dream.
A dream trying to penetrate another dream.
Recursive. Well not really thats not recursion, it would have been recursion if I had had a dream in my dream.

Or was it a series of dreams that I saw , and I am just remembering parts of each of them,
and trying to fill up the gap by connecting them into a singleton.

Enough of this crap.
I guess u already are thinking that "I am mad" ,

Well just relax I am as sane as any one of you and living and breathing a normal life.
But I am sure some of you would definitely re-read the whole blog and while you are reading the second time u would skip the part after this.

Enough psycho shit for making a movie. isnt it.
Something like the "MeMento" ,

Well I am just kidding,
no body would even give it a second thought i think.
and I guess you've already promised yourself not to read the other posts of my blog.
Believe me this was my worst blog ever..

But I guess I would never forget this whole experience, thats probably the reason why Im blogging it.

Lots of things that I have been waiting to blog on... just dont find time...
i guess these would be the topics...

1. I wish I was a sea horse
2 "chewed up"
3 Why do ppl cry : "moscow massacre"
4 ...:::: woman ::::.... : go listen to Bryan Adam's (when you love some one) and Ronan Keating's (When you say nothing at all)
5 talking the talk and walking the walk


Offfff I go for now.....

knock .. knock .. knockin on heavens door

Iam gonnaa take this badge off of me,
I can't use it any more,
It's getting dark, too dark to see,
Feel i'm knocking on heavens door.

Knock, Knock knocking on heavens door,
Knock, Knock knocking on heavens door.

Mama put my guns in the ground,
I can't shoot them any more,
That long black cloud is coming down,
Feels like I'm knocking on heavens door.

This is one of those songs you can go on listening while walking alone on a cold evening out in the lonely roads of Bangalore with a pack of wills with you.


The smoke and the song is quite a scintillating combo.(for all those ppl who think that smoking is bad...it was just once.. i don't smoke though)

u know its like a "free fall"... disconnected from the world...
every moment just stands still ... and u r watching " life" , just happening in the most incredible way... rather its like floating in the air...

i dont know how exactly to put that in words..,,
but it feels great...

oh my god all this while i was trying to explain that it was like flying... :)

i know, by now you are wondering what is that picture about or rather what is it there for?
well thats my frnd in there who had come along on that cold evening with me (like in BEL... no names please).... now do comment if u liked the photograph..
i took that..
with a little manipulation here and there.. it looks like a piece of art...aint it...
moreover the hand writing... i mean the writing on the hand... that was just done for this one snap...
im not trying to flaunt ...
but...
anyways... lets get back to avrill...


Sunnly become a big fan of her songs. ...

they are damn...cooooolll ...
well she is cool too..
i like her style... like the attitude in her face... look at her eyes..







look back once again.. :)


some of my favorites include...
complicated - the first one and my big time favorite
falling down - the best est...gets u head banging..
knocking on heavens door - first time i heard it... got me hooked for a week
my happy ending and
losing grip ... no comments on that one.. go hear it for yourself

liked one thing very much... she sings a few words in a wierd way.....
i mean its like say u have this sentence "crying out loud"
and she would sing it as "cryin out.... lo avia ovia ud.."
just cant explain it ... check it out for yourself...

Time Out

There is this lake outside the office, just happened to look at it during the lunch time,the sight was really beautiful, the water was calm and the small waves looked really cool. Very refreshing indeed. It makes one realize that nature is so beautiful.

But suddenly I started wondering,The Tsunami images flickered in my mind,
Looking at its potential, its so amazing that its the same water that is looking so beautiful at one time, cud be the most devastating. Even a candle light, that beautiful yellow flame which could bring on such a romantic effect, that yellow gaze when the lights are out is incredibly magnificent, but wait a minute its the same damn thing which could burn up entire forests, cud ruin people's lives in a blink.

Everything has a potential, there are ways at things work, Sometimes they bring a smile on your face, sometimes they amaze you with their beauty, and sometime you wished they just werent there !!

Time, I believe is the most powerful, the only thing which is never changing in this ever changing world. It ticks, and you move on. This is something nice that somebody told me once, "We think that time passes away, but its not the time that passes, its everything else that passes away, its you who pass away" "Time Out" , but is it really "time" out, it should rather be "I am out".

Time is just watching and watching.. there cant be an end to it.. actually there is nothing called time.. its just a concept...ain't it.
We use it as a reference, there is nothing called time.

sounds weird but some where some way it probably makes sense.
its time which sees it all..

in the end its all FUBAR...
f$$d up beyond all recognition.

amazing isnt it..that this mind is able to even think of somthing like this....
oh God what a creation this is..

"James, Earn it , earn this"

Its all F.U.B.A.R

Well watched this wonderful movie "Saving Private Ryan" yesterday

Yeah F.U.B.A.R was from the movie
here is a nice link : http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Saving_Private_Ryan

I don't know why but whenever I watch a war movie the whole body just shakes up. Its just makes me realize the truth and What Truth : "That there is no spoon"

Filled with a deep sense of realization.
What an act this is ... when a man kills another in a battle field. How could one just do that... cant thy feel the pain, the misery, the sorrow in thou enemies face

Saving Private Ryan - The mission is a man. Yes it was one man that they were after.

Would definitely like to quote this :
Upham: "War educates the senses, calls into action the will, perfects the physical constitution, brings men into such swift and close collision in critical moments that man measures man."
Upham was the german/french translator in the movie.
One more goes here
"Theirs is not to reason why, theirs is but to do or die."
Of course you all got it right , but I would like to paraphrase it once again
Its Referring to the soldiers who fight for no reason why. The only thing that they should care is to either do(kill) or die.

This movie just shook me.. absolutely mind blowing

I cant forget a couple of scenes in it
One of them was the very first one..
You see a soldier walking with his gear and then suddenly there is an explosion.
and then your see him without his right arm...
oh and what a scene it was , after the explosion he is searching for this right arm,
goodness me
he finds it and lifts it up with his left arm, looks at it and... moves on...
it was as though a mother was searching for her lost baby...

another one.
Hanks(captain Miller) is pulling an injured guy, and on the way there is a blast,
on this he happens to drop the fellow ... he manages has a narrow escape,
and after the smoke is gone he continues from where he left , starts pulling that guy over again.
but later realizes that the lower half of the fellow is missing,
had burnt out in the explosion, and its just a dead body that he was pulling..
god...
that was really moving...

and a couple of scenes there..
during some serious combat , there are thunders all around..
suddenly it becomes all quite .. the noise is suddenly cut out ... and hanks is looking around ,.. observing things as they happen...
look into his eyes there.. they are crying of pain..they are crying for life ...they are crying for survival.....
he had lost 94 men under his command... and more numbers were on their way...








The whole movie was fantastic. Speilberg at his best I guess.
The storyline, and the way he has portrayed the emotions .... just toooo good.
The dialogues as is usually the case with any war movie are just great.

There are a lot of scenes that I liked,but this is one that I would remember for a long time.
Hanks is hit badly and is lying in Private Ryans arms, and he says "James, Earn it, Earn this"
and dies after it.
It meant earn this life, earn it,
Eight people came all the way to save yours and most of them are dead, and now here I am counting my last breath. Earn your life...

=================================

was just wondering about something in the morning..
how would it be like dying..
i mean every time i just watch these movies i see death in each of there eyes..
could u even imagine...
there would be absolutely nothing..not even nothing
we don't exist..... dust goes into dust.... and times stands still

i still remember long back i was discussing this with someone..

i guess it would have been when i was in school something like in my 11th or the 12th grade..
i guess it was after somebodies death...
i mean what remains.. of us all..nothing absolutely nothing...crazily nothing at all..
i remember when I had been to the funeral of one our relatives sometime in feb 2005.
his body was being burnt down to ashes, the images still flashes in my mind.
he had so much ... he was so powerful... rich.. ppl respected him .....and what remains now..
from so much to so less.. in just a moment....
thats the mystery of life... death comes as an end...inevitable ... ain't it.

you know its something like the way agent smith says it in the Matrix..

Agent Smith: You hear that Mr. Anderson?... That is the sound of inevitability... It is the sound of your death... Goodbye, Mr. Anderson...
Agent Smith: I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Anderson.
you know its like, you can replace "Smith" with "Time" and try reading it again.
Reflects an ultimate truth of your life.

i believe that life is in every moment... not in the past and the future...
its just happening right now..
rest is all memories, ideas..... rest is all imagination...
i mean, this very moment there is one breath in and one breath out..what does it mean to be alive...
i would say life is rather not a journey..its a collection of short instances...
and you know may be wisdom is not in thinking about dying (dont know if i spelt it right), but its in enjoying every moment of ones life.

Animal Mother: You talk the talk. Do you walk the walk?

In Vietnam The Wind Doesn't Blow: It Sucks

Yeah !! U got it right !! FULL METAL JACKET is the movie that I am talkin about.

One of the most amazing war movies that I have watched till date. Well it so happened that I watched the movie in parts. The first 30 mins got me so interested that I happened to watch it a few times and later when I returned from home after a 2 day vacation I had enough time to finish the movie.
I’ve been aware of two distinct schools of film-making. There are the 'I will narrate the entire thing for you, so you don't have to think' films and the 'this means what ever you think it means' films. Both have their advantages and disadvantages, the latter however when done well has the ability to transform films from mere entertainment to high art.

FMJ definitely goes the second way. A must watch for all those people who love to think differently. Who love to appreciate the reality there is.
Porbably movies are the only way one can watch the world with.

Well I have alway enjoyed watching war movies, no matter what kind they are , be it movies like "Saving Private Ryan" or "Behind Enemy Lines" where there is action and emotion all the way, which can completely change your perspective of this world or there are movies like "Thin Red Line" and "Full Metal Jacket", which has less of action but with a deeper meaning. Both types, have changed the way Ive looked at things. They bring me closer to reality, they make me more practical. Some times it happens that when your are in pain or facing a terribly dark side of life you feel that all the world's a pain and you are the only being being affected. That there is no hope , there is nobody to look around at and you start believing that life sucks big time.
I have been through such situations many times , and why just me , every body goes through such a period some times.

So when I watch these movies, and I look at the amount of struggle one goes through , when you see death in their eyes, when in every moment there could be a fear in the mind of being shot at,
when you hear those cries when one dies, when one gets shot at, ( I would particularly like to remember the scene when "Wade" dies in "Saving Private Ryan" , the way he cries and shivers in pain its so damn moving.)
He probably deserved an Oscar for that. Absolutely moving, his voice sometimes still reverberates in my mind. His shivering voice can make you feel his pain. "Stop that, " is all you would naturally react as though you were going through it.

I then realize that the dark time that you are going through is absolutely nothing. There could be so much pain in life sometimes and consider yourself to be fortunate enough to not to go through such shit.

FMJ was particularly interesting and going through the script once again and reading the review at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Full_metal_jacket and checking out the quotes at http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Full_Metal_Jacket#taglines was so truly engaging, thats when I decided to write this blog. Thanks to Wikipedia. I always happen to check it out after I watch a movie and specially if its a war movie. Cos the dialogues have a real deep meaning.

There are somethings that I really appreciated about the movie and some people were fabulous.
One was the Drill Instructor Gunnery Sergeant and Gomer Pyle and even Joker. Joker surely resembles New Zealands Spinner Daniel Vettori. I dont know if any of you who watched the movie and knows Daniel Vettori observed this.Here are their pictures.

The first one is of Joker from the movie and the next one is "Daniel Vettori" aren't they lookalikes.

The movie begins with the training of a set of new joiners of US Marines.
The training is depicted as designed to eliminate the recruits' individual personalities and transform them into a team of killers (to "keep Heaven packed with fresh souls"). This first section of the film focuses largely on the physical and psychological mistreatment of overweight recruit Leonard "Gomer Pyle" Lawrence (Vincent D'Onofrio). Fantastically made, the training part is one of the most engaging, check out the abusive dialogues they've used in it,
A salute to the dialogue writer. Awesome invention mate. Not only are they funny , but you could feel the insult and abuse they intend. Here are the few of them which got me awed with "oos and aaahs".

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: How tall are you, private?

Private Cowboy: Sir, five-foot-nine, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Five-foot-nine?! I didn't know they stacked shit that high. You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh?!

Private Cowboy: Sir, no, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of you slid down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! I think you've been cheated!

---

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Did your parents have any children that lived?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I'll bet they regret that. You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece! What's your name, fat-body?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Lawrence? Lawrence what? Of Arabia?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: That name sounds like royalty, are you royalty?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Do you suck dicks?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit, I'll bet you could suck a golfball through a garden hose!

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I don't like the name Lawrence, only faggots and sailors are called Lawrence. From now on you're Gomer Pyle.

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Do you think I'm cute, Private Pyle? Do you think I'm funny?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face.

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Well any fucking time, sweetheart!

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, I'm trying, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Pyle I'm gonna give you three seconds; exactly three fucking seconds; to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you! ONE! TWO! THREE!

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, I can't help it, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit! Get on your knees, scumbag!

Pvt. Pyle drops to his knees. Sgt. Hartman holds out his hand.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Now choke yourself.

Pvt. Pyle puts his own hands around his neck.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Goddamn it, with my hand, numb nuts.

Pvt. Pyle reaches towards Sgt. Hartman's hand.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Don't pull my fucking hand over there! I said choke yourself; now lean forward and choke yourself.

Pvt. Pyle leans forward onto Sgt. Hartman's hand.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: (choking Pyle) Are you through grinning?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit, I can't hear you.

Private Gomer Pyle: (louder) Sir, yes, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Bullshit, I still can't hear you. Sound off like you've got a pair.

Private Gomer Pyle: SIR, YES, SIR!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: That's enough; get on your feet. Private Pyle you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up.

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir.

---

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Who said that? WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT!? Who's the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it! Out-fucking-standing. I will PT you all until you fucking DIE! I'll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk!

Gunnery Sgt. Hartman grabs Pvt. Cowboy by the shirt.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh?

Private Cowboy: Sir, no sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: You little piece of shit, you look like a fucking worm, I bet it was you.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: When you two pukes are done here, I want you to clean the head.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Did your parents have any children that lived?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: I'll bet they regret that. You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece.

---

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Do I make you nervous?

Private Cowboy: Sir?

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: "Sir" what? Were you about to call me an ASSHOLE?

---

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Pyle, Private Joker is your new squad leader, and you WILL bunk with him! He'll teach you everything; he'll teach you how to pee!

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, aye aye, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Joker, he's silly and he's ignorant, but he's got guts and guts is enough. Now you two ladies carry on!

Private Gomer Pyle, Private Joker: Sir, aye aye, sir!

---

Animal Mother: You a photographer?

Private Joker: I'm a combat correspondent.

Animal Mother: Well you seen much combat?

Private Joker: I've seen a little on TV.

Animal Mother: You're a real comedian.

Private Joker: Well they call me the Joker.

Animal Mother: Well I got a joke for you. I'm gonna tear you a new asshole.

Private Joker: Well pilgrim, only after you eat the peanuts out of my shit.

Animal Mother: You talk the talk. Do you walk the walk?

---

Here are some memorable images.

its Only Human to be 0nly Human

So
.
.
.
Yeah !!!

This is my first blog , after a long time , and yeah the old ones have all gone since they contained a lot of personal stuff.

First up let me just start of with the reason why my blog is titled "0nly human"
Now this is one place that I use to express myself , this is my shout box, this is one place somebody listens to me,
funny eh.. How can blogs understand human emotions ?

So why "0nly human", simply for the reason that this is a place where I would be poring in my daily thoughts and notions about the very nature of things around and events , thats so damn human ain't it. Moreover the way I look at the world around me , and since its gonna be a human perspective I call it "Only Human".

Now I don't know if you observed it, but my blogs name is "0nly human" and not "only human " , so u r wondering whats the difference between the two, well the first name is the one starting with a numeric zero and not an alphabet "o" !!!!

http://0nlyhuman.blogspot.com/

If I don't make sense ,so be it , may be thats how it was supposed to be.

Now why did I have a zero in place.
May be I could give a nice little story about it
This way :
Sifar an Urdu word meaning "zero".
Definition goes this way:
"Sifar - Containing nothing, it encircles everything.Without a beginning, without an end, it stretches from emptiness to infinity and back again".
So u r wondering , wow thats sounds cool, but if you haven't already read it before
let me tell you that these are the words that describe Lucky Ali's beautiful album "SIFAR".
I kinda really liked it the very first time I read it and thats probably why when somebody asks me "Whats your favorite number ? " I quickly go "its zero" !!!
Well I like 7 and 11 too , any ways ,
So yeah the little number 0 has a very important meaning in my life.
Some how it represents this very life itself. and since this blog is my life's journey I start it off with a zero - Containing nothing, it encircles everything.
Without a beginning, without an end, it stretches from emptiness to infinity and back again.

Uve got to check out the songs someday , they are truly meaningful and make perfect sense.
Please don't apply logic to them, wont make any sense then.

OR

I could simply say that Only Human with an alphabet "o" wasn't just available and I had no other option other than getting a zero (0) in there.

Anyways....


There have been so many things that I wish to voice my thoughts on and no better place than a blog I believe. Don't really care if people read !!
Least bothered about it.

watch out for more...